I have been with my husband for 10 years, but we have always been mismatched sexually. We have a good life together, I love him, and want to stay together both for his sake and our child’s. However, I need more than half-hearted sex once a year, after begging and prancing around in expensive lingerie for months. I have talked about this with my husband probably every year since we got together; I’ve cried, asked for
counseling, tried to do what he wants, but I get nothing.
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There’s very little physical affection in our relationship, and I have to believe that this is all he’s capable of. This past summer, it became clear that a good friend and I have serious chemistry. He is in a similar situation at home, and we have discussed the idea of a mutually beneficial, strictly sexual relationship.
It would allow us both some relief.
I considered discussing this with my husband, but I think he would react badly. I have no desire to remain celibate for the rest of my life, which seems to be what my husband wants. This seems like a reasonable solution. It gives me hope. I realize there’s a possibility of harming those I love, but I believe it is minimal. Am I crazy?
If you believe the possibility of fallout is minimal here, it is only because you are delirious from years of involuntary celibacy. You want to have sex with a good friend, who is also married, and whom you’ll presumably have to see socially while also maintaining the fiction that you two aren’t having an affair.
You believe your husband would react badly if you tried to find sexual satisfaction outside of your marriage, yet he’s not only refusing to have sex with you, it sounds as though he can barely bring himself to hug you. I’m sympathetic to your position, but I think the solution you’re contemplating is probably going to end quite dramatically.
Your husband has watched you cry, beg, and put yourself on display for a little physical affection, and he’s not willing to give it to you himself or you believe he’d “react badly” if you tried to seek it elsewhere. It’s one thing to be honest about disparate sex drives; it’s quite another to see your partner in anguish and desperation and to respond with indifference.
I don’t see how he can be a good husband, and I doubt sexlessness is your only problem. If you are determined to stay married, then you should openly propose alternative sexual arrangements, and not convince yourself that an affair would be “reasonable” when it’s likely to blow up in your face.
But ultimately, I don’t think you do have a good life together, and I think you’d be better off leaving your husband, working on maintaining a cooperative co-parenting relationship, and having sex with whomever you please.
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counseling, tried to do what he wants, but I get nothing.
It would allow us both some relief.I considered discussing this with my husband, but I think he would react badly. I have no desire to remain celibate for the rest of my life, which seems to be what my husband wants. This seems like a reasonable solution. It gives me hope. I realize there’s a possibility of harming those I love, but I believe it is minimal. Am I crazy?
ANSWERS TO HER QUESTION:
If you believe the possibility of fallout is minimal here, it is only because you are delirious from years of involuntary celibacy. You want to have sex with a good friend, who is also married, and whom you’ll presumably have to see socially while also maintaining the fiction that you two aren’t having an affair.
You believe your husband would react badly if you tried to find sexual satisfaction outside of your marriage, yet he’s not only refusing to have sex with you, it sounds as though he can barely bring himself to hug you. I’m sympathetic to your position, but I think the solution you’re contemplating is probably going to end quite dramatically.
Your husband has watched you cry, beg, and put yourself on display for a little physical affection, and he’s not willing to give it to you himself or you believe he’d “react badly” if you tried to seek it elsewhere. It’s one thing to be honest about disparate sex drives; it’s quite another to see your partner in anguish and desperation and to respond with indifference.
I don’t see how he can be a good husband, and I doubt sexlessness is your only problem. If you are determined to stay married, then you should openly propose alternative sexual arrangements, and not convince yourself that an affair would be “reasonable” when it’s likely to blow up in your face.
But ultimately, I don’t think you do have a good life together, and I think you’d be better off leaving your husband, working on maintaining a cooperative co-parenting relationship, and having sex with whomever you please.
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